Saturdays suck....

...big time! I don't what's with saturdays and my relationship with A. Almost every saturday is a day to dread...invariably we end up fighting. And the fight is not the playful fight or bickering that occassionally happens in every husband and wife relationship.

It is always, without fail, an earth shattering event, often started by something very frivolous (from my perspective, not A's), and blows to the proportion of being a make or break event of our relationship. She loses it completely and declares that she has taken enuf shit from me and threatens to leave me forever. There is no particular prelude or sign like a silence before the storm...it just happens...it can happen anytime, anywhere and due to anything. The only predictable thing about the big fight is that it happens on Saturdays and that it ends up in disaster — which could mean cancellation of a very important even in our lives, which we have been looking forward to, or if it has happened right after such event, it nullifies the effect turning into a nightmare.

If I think of it, there are actually some other predictable things around the fights too - they always happen when I have mounds of important tasks / deadlines at work, when I have missed lunched and breakfast / when I'm extremely unwell and / or when an emergency of equal magnitude has occured in my 'other life' meaning with my mother, father or father.
When
I'm at work and this happens, I usually end up going hungry the whole day smoking n number of cigarrattes, trying to put up a facade for the sake of those around, tyring to finish my work, trying my best to concentrate and ignore the stabbing feeling in my heart. All this in between juggling calls with A, discussing something with my colleagues, taking orders from my boss...trying to diffuse the tension either by pleading or by being stern because I really can't talk all that in front of my co-workers (I've not come out yet in office) who think I'm a tomboyish girl with no boyfriend, or simply ignoring her. I use various modes to see if I can nip it at the bud before it blooms into a full-blown disaster, sms / calls from office phone / calls from cellphone.
After a period of hyper activity comes a calm - because either I have cut her call and really can't afford to get distracted or face reprimand or because she doesn't want to talk to me any furhter.
The silence is what eats me the most. Because I don't know if she has really packed her bags and gone for good, or she is still at home, which she usually is. But I don't want to go back home and continue the verbal battle....I simply don't have any strength left.

I know it all seems like this is all her fault. Actually it's not. The problem escalates to this level because anything that I say or do to rub her the wrong way starts slowly opening the old wound I gave her when I cheated on her. It all starts coming back to her .....So I don't blame her. I know what I did was not only shameful it is the emotional equivalent of stabbing in her back. I know. I repent. I will never do anything like that again. But somehow at a very primitive level, she has ceased to trust me.

Whenever there's any woman in the picture other than her, her guards go up. I don't know...
I agree but I still selfishly wish she could just forget everything like it never happened. Got a time eraser, anybody? I could first go and erase what I did to her, then erase all the Saturdays forever...I really don't need them anymore...