Back for a bit

Hello folks! I'm back to blogging after a rather long break of eight months. There was too much happening in my life but nothing much to write about. I got a new job that gave me an opportunity to start my life as the man that I always was. So a new identity and a new job were what kept me from writing. But the job proved to be more of a nightmare. It took up or rather still does take almost all my waking hours. So I have no time to do anything personal other than take a leak and eat. Even now I don't have much time. So I'll quickly give you a T update.
I completed one year of T this month. But since my dosage is really low as compared to most Transmen, I still don't have much to write home to. But yeah I have got a slightly visible fuzz around my chin and cheeks. And the hair on my lower abdomen are thickening and becoming more prominent. Same can be said about the hair on my inner thighs and chest. But at the rate I'm currently going, it is long road to getting a goatee. But I'm not complaining. Yeah just getting a little impatient. Maybe I should up my dose. But the doc I was consulting with refuses to meet me. I have to write emails updating him about my progress. Then too, he does not feel the need to make any changes to my existing dosage of 1 ml of T per month. So I am thinking of taking matters in my hand let's see.
Will keep updating the blog as and when I get the time. Till then. Chow

Quick update

Ok here's a quick update. The past two months have been like a roller coaster ride, emotionally and financially. It was like a soap opera complete with all the masala: love, lust, hatred, anger ...drama... A and I came close, then drifted apart, loved, laughed fought, planned enjoyed and then again sulked. I really don't know where my relationship is going. I mean it's not like we can't get along, but suddenly we both are realising how much we both have changed in past 9 years since we came together... and it's disturbing to her as well as me.
In the meanwhile, my job well...it sucks. I like the work but not the place or rather the people. I'm constantly trying to adjust, fit in, do the right things the right way. There are no pats on the back only kick in the buts, which is frustrating. It really has got me wondering. Am I really not cut out for this profession? Am I in the wrong field for the right reason...the bottomline is I've got it all wrong.
This month I sold of my old motorbike and bought a new one. In doing that, I emptied all my life savings. We were really hit rock bottom financially. I come to work with only Rs 5 in my pocket. But that need to get done. My old bike was headed for the scrapyard anyway. And I needed transport (inexpensive), so I had to to it. Thankfully, February has only 28 days, so now it's just Rs 100 and four more days. It'll pass. We'll make it. Hopefully.

Flashback

It's been a while since I've blogged. Haven't had any time to even scratch my ass. Actually that isn't entirely true. Between work, work and more work when I did have some time, I was busy recuperating from some illness or the other —the flu or some leg injury—or trying to spend some quality time with A ...trying to recreate the magic.
It's after a long while that I've got some time alone with myself when I'm not unwell, not too busy and when no one is breathing down my neck trying to get a peek into my computer screen. yeah I'm at work but just chilling out. So in all, I'm in the perfect frame of mind to fill in the blanks...update my blog.
The month that was
In the mad rush that was the past month, I almost forgot to take my shot but A reminded me and I finally managed. I also have joined a gym but went there only for a total of 5 days out of the 20. Hopefully, I'll get more time next year and will be able to concentrate on getting in shape. Time literally zipped past me...I don't recollect much of the past few days...except that I went home only to eat and sleep and spent most of my waking hours at work. And now that my mind is clear, I realise that it's already time for the next shot, which I will take today.
The year gone by
It is also dawning on me that the year has almost come to an end and is on its last leg...What a year this has been — a mix of good and bad. But mostly good, since I have made significant progress on my transition — got the chest surgery done and started on T, turbulent times with A but managed to stick together. Somehow, despite the fierce fights between A and me, we have connected to each other on a completely different level. The year was painful for me in terms of friendships, lost a couple of friends...actually by choice because I could see through their masks and I really didn't need people who saw me and A as nothing but something to use for their own interests. However, I don't feel the loss much because of the gem of friends I have also made this year: A and D.
Friends forever
Yes, I've found a friend in A that I've never sought and got earlier. As for D...I've lots to say. We started out as friends, but somewhere, somehow...I didn't realise when...despite the oceans that separate us...he has become my confidant, brother...family. He is one other person besides A, I feel extremely connected to...I really don't know why. It's a feeling that so overwhelms me that it hurts, the feeling is so intense so pure...it's almost love. And I haven't even seen this man or even heard his voice ever in my life.
Earlier I used to feel that I felt this way because I was just looking or someone anyone to fill up that gaping hole of a true brother / a friend in my heart. But it really isn't so. Every time I read his blog, or emails my heart bleeds for him...why? I don't know. And I really don't expect the same from him. But was so happy nd moved when he considered me as part of his family too.
Baring my soul
Today as I realise that one more year of my year is about to pass, I really want to say out loud a lot of things that I have said only to myself and A. It seems to me that I am a person who keeps on wanting...more and more...I know that everyone does too. But there are some things I want so badly it really aches...these are things that may never come true...but what the heck...i still want them:
1. I want to make babies with A...
2. I want to live in USA...
3. I want to roam the world with A

I know in the position that I'm right now...these things seem like fantasies...but they are not these are my yearnings...I wanted to father a child with A since the day I set my eyes on that beauty. I'm dying....dying...dying inside...I really hope to hell science and technology make it possible. I want A to be pregnant, bear my child...I want to give her the ultimate gift of motherhood....make her a complete woman. To bring to the world that bond which will keep us together for several years...in flesh and blood. A testimony of our love....A I love you...thanks for the biggest sacrifice. I know you're dying for it too....God! Why us?
And America and roaming the world....it's almost a joke....it's been there with me since I was a child and I thought I'll forget about it as I grow up. But hasn't happened. I have never told about this to anyone not because it's some secret or because I know not probable...but because I feel if I tell it to anyone...they'll feel I'm expecting them to help me. I have a lot of friends from school who live in America, we are pretty thick pals, but never said anything to them...not even my parents because maybe they could help me finance my dream...but I don't want anyone to misunderstand me...I don't want anyone's money, ideas, favours...nothing. It is mine and only my dream...and now A's too. I have passed up opportunities to got to the UK, because America's where I want to go. I think I did mention it in passing to D, but didn't reveal much because I don't want him to misunderstand me too. I don't want this want to come in between the bond that we share...I don't want to lose D, no matter what.
I don't know who and when it will happen...but I think we'll do it. me and A. Right now it is as absurd to as the idea of going to Mars. but miracles do happen.
At last I've said it...it's out in the open, and I'm feeling light. Maybe it will really come true...Only those who dream can realise them...let's c.

Flashback

It's been a while since I've blogged. Haven't had any time to even scratch my ass. Actually that isn't entirely true. Between work, work and more work when I did have some time, I was busy recuperating from some illness or the other —the flu or some leg injury—or trying to spend some quality time with A ...trying to recreate the magic.
It's after a long while that I've got some time alone with myself when I'm not unwell, not too busy and when no one is breathing down my neck trying to get a peek into my computer screen. yeah I'm at work but just chilling out. So in all, I'm in the perfect frame of mind to fill in the blanks...update my blog.
The month that was
In the mad rush that was the past month, I almost forgot to take my shot but A reminded me and I finally managed. I also have joined a gym but went there only for a total of 5 days out of the 20. Hopefully, I'll get more time next year and will be able to concentrate on getting in shape. Time literally zipped past me...I don't recollect much of the past few days...except that I went home only to eat and sleep and spent most of my waking hours at work. And now that my mind is clear, I realise that it's already time for the next shot, which I will take today.
The year gone by
It is also dawning on me that the year has almost come to an end and is on its last leg...What a year this has been — a mix of good and bad. But mostly good, since I have made significant progress on my transition — got the chest surgery done and started on T, turbulent times with A but managed to stick together. Somehow, despite the fierce fights between A and me, we have connected to each other on a completely different level. The year was painful for me in terms of friendships, lost a couple of friends...actually by choice because I could see through their masks and I really didn't need people who saw me and A as nothing but something to use for their own interests. However, I don't feel the loss much because of the gem of friends I have also made this year: A and D.
Friends forever
Yes, I've found a friend in A that I've never sought and got earlier. As for D...I've lots to say. We started out as friends, but somewhere, somehow...I didn't realise when...despite the oceans that separate us...he has become my confidant, brother...family. He is one other person besides A, I feel extremely connected to...I really don't know why. It's a feeling that so overwhelms me that it hurts, the feeling is so intense so pure...it's almost love. And I haven't even seen this man or even heard his voice ever in my life.
Earlier I used to feel that I felt this way because I was just looking or someone anyone to fill up that gaping hole of a true brother / a friend in my heart. But it really isn't so. Every time I read his blog, or emails my heart bleeds for him...why? I don't know. And I really don't expect the same from him. But was so happy nd moved when he considered me as part of his family too.
Baring my soul
Today as I realise that one more year of my year is about to pass, I really want to say out loud a lot of things that I have said only to myself and A. It seems to me that I am a person who keeps on wanting...more and more...I know that everyone does too. But there are some things I want so badly it really aches...these are things that may never come true...but what the heck...i still want them:
1. I want to make babies with A...
2. I want to live in USA...
3. I want to roam the world with A

I know in the position that I'm right now...these things seem like fantasies...but they are not these are my yearnings...I wanted to father a child with A since the day I set my eyes on that beauty. I'm dying....dying...dying inside...I really hope to hell science and technology make it possible. I want A to be pregnant, bear my child...I want to give her the ultimate gift of motherhood....make her a complete woman. To bring to the world that bond which will keep us together for several years...in flesh and blood. A testimony of our love....A I love you...thanks for the biggest sacrifice. I know you're dying for it too....God! Why us?
And America and roaming the world....it's almost a joke....it's been there with me since I was a child and I thought I'll forget about it as I grow up. But hasn't happened. I have never told about this to anyone not because it's some secret or because I know not probable...but because I feel if I tell it to anyone...they'll feel I'm expecting them to help me. I have a lot of friends from school who live in America, we are pretty thick pals, but never said anything to them...not even my parents because maybe they could help me finance my dream...but I don't want anyone to misunderstand me...I don't want anyone's money, ideas, favours...nothing. It is mine and only my dream...and now A's too. I have passed up opportunities to got to the UK, because America's where I want to go. I think I did mention it in passing to D, but didn't reveal much because I don't want him to misunderstand me too. I don't want this want to come in between the bond that we share...I don't want to lose D, no matter what.
I don't know who and when it will happen...but I think we'll do it. me and A. Right now it is as absurd to as the idea of going to Mars. but miracles do happen.
At last I've said it...it's out in the open, and I'm feeling light. Maybe it will really come true...Only those who dream can realise them...let's c.

Lone ranger

So here I am on a saturday evening sitting alone at my desk. The rest of my colleagues have left for the day, came in for an hour or so and gone to begin their weekend. My weekend too has begun with fireworks.. Had this not happened, we had plan to go out and have a nice time, window shopping and ending the evening with a romantic dinner. Un-fucking-believable!

A just called me to tell me that she has cooked food, which she has kept on the platform and that she was packing her bags and going to her mom's place...forever. And that I can have what she has made if I like or just throw it and eat whatever garbage I want. Me, I don't respond, don't say anything. Just a simple ok. Because by now I've sent her several messages asking her not to cancel the plans and come over and not to go..but it she has not relented. I don't know if this is the 'final break up'. And because of my lack of response she has messaged me saying I'm shameless and I was even sounding happy that she was going (?) and she is feeling cheated and fucked for life. I don't respond. Instead I write another blog...way to go pal!
I think I'll get back to work and try and finish everything that I can...Monday is going to battle at work. I need to sharpen my weapons. I really think I'm shameless... my marriage is over and I'm just devoid of feelings. What a man!

Saturdays suck....

...big time! I don't what's with saturdays and my relationship with A. Almost every saturday is a day to dread...invariably we end up fighting. And the fight is not the playful fight or bickering that occassionally happens in every husband and wife relationship.

It is always, without fail, an earth shattering event, often started by something very frivolous (from my perspective, not A's), and blows to the proportion of being a make or break event of our relationship. She loses it completely and declares that she has taken enuf shit from me and threatens to leave me forever. There is no particular prelude or sign like a silence before the storm...it just happens...it can happen anytime, anywhere and due to anything. The only predictable thing about the big fight is that it happens on Saturdays and that it ends up in disaster — which could mean cancellation of a very important even in our lives, which we have been looking forward to, or if it has happened right after such event, it nullifies the effect turning into a nightmare.

If I think of it, there are actually some other predictable things around the fights too - they always happen when I have mounds of important tasks / deadlines at work, when I have missed lunched and breakfast / when I'm extremely unwell and / or when an emergency of equal magnitude has occured in my 'other life' meaning with my mother, father or father.
When
I'm at work and this happens, I usually end up going hungry the whole day smoking n number of cigarrattes, trying to put up a facade for the sake of those around, tyring to finish my work, trying my best to concentrate and ignore the stabbing feeling in my heart. All this in between juggling calls with A, discussing something with my colleagues, taking orders from my boss...trying to diffuse the tension either by pleading or by being stern because I really can't talk all that in front of my co-workers (I've not come out yet in office) who think I'm a tomboyish girl with no boyfriend, or simply ignoring her. I use various modes to see if I can nip it at the bud before it blooms into a full-blown disaster, sms / calls from office phone / calls from cellphone.
After a period of hyper activity comes a calm - because either I have cut her call and really can't afford to get distracted or face reprimand or because she doesn't want to talk to me any furhter.
The silence is what eats me the most. Because I don't know if she has really packed her bags and gone for good, or she is still at home, which she usually is. But I don't want to go back home and continue the verbal battle....I simply don't have any strength left.

I know it all seems like this is all her fault. Actually it's not. The problem escalates to this level because anything that I say or do to rub her the wrong way starts slowly opening the old wound I gave her when I cheated on her. It all starts coming back to her .....So I don't blame her. I know what I did was not only shameful it is the emotional equivalent of stabbing in her back. I know. I repent. I will never do anything like that again. But somehow at a very primitive level, she has ceased to trust me.

Whenever there's any woman in the picture other than her, her guards go up. I don't know...
I agree but I still selfishly wish she could just forget everything like it never happened. Got a time eraser, anybody? I could first go and erase what I did to her, then erase all the Saturdays forever...I really don't need them anymore...

Name change

No, I haven't done it yet. But I thought I'd post a quick info on the same.

STEPS FOR CHANGING YOUR NAME:
In case you wish to change your name, that also includes your father's name (!!) or even Surname you have to follow a very simple procedure.
1. Go to the State Government Press in the Capital City of your state.
2. Ask them for the form for change of name and obtain it.
3. Fill up the form and submit it (preferably then and there)
4. Pay the requisite Fees in cash. (Rs. 40/- in Maharashtra ).
5. The Press would publish the details of the change of your name (or father's name, or surname as be your case) and post you two copies of the Government Gazette. The press would also let you know when they would publish the same (generally in a week or two) 6. Thereafter wherever you wish to submit your change of Name / Father's Name / Surname Proof, you can submit true copies of the relevant pages of the Gazette.

Will write about my first hand experience when I get around to doing it myself...

For D

Pal I read all your new posts today...first and foremost it's not you who is full of shit, but the situation in which you are....but don't worry...the stink won't last long. And thanks for the word of comfot on my post on M&M...it really feels good to know there's someone with you.

And the same goes for you...as long as there is even one person who thinks good about you, nothing bad will happen to you. And here you have several people (I saw the comments to your posts) and most importantly E, and me too who wish only the best for you.

D, I am a strong believer in the power of prayer. And I will pray for you very hard...I won't pray for things to get better on their own, that would be too easy, but I'll pray that He give you the strength to take it like a man and turn things around in your favour...you won't need helicopters pal, one day you'll walk out of that room, that neighbourhood on your own, your head held high with a confident stride...towards a better future...and never having to look back.
Like you say to me...hang in there bro...! Darkness never lasts forever...

T-2: A lesson learnt

I took my second shot on Saturday (October 28). Actually I was supposed to take it after 30 days from my first shot that means October 30, but I cheated a bit...and I'm very glad I did. However, it didn't turn out to be as easy as I expected. Meaning, when you do things over and over again, they are supposed to get into a routine and things should ease out...in fact I almost didn't get my shot because I expected to start a new routine and wasn't prepared. I know I am not making any sense. But I will start to once I relate the events.
For my first shot, I came prepared with the T vial because I was scared and didn't know if I could get it anywhere else than the shop next to my endocrinologist's office (naive but it worked). Later on, I found out that the drug was a over-the-counter-one and could be purchased anywhere else with ease. Hence I thought I could get it at the hospital's pharmacy where I was supposed to get my shot.
As it turned out, the drug wasn't all that 'easily available' after all, and had to run around town searching for it. A got majorly pissed with me for assuming the contrary and not having come fully prepared. So I learnt my lesson, when there is something you want very badly to happen, something big and important, plan ahead and arrange for every small detail that goes into it well before time.
Finally I did manage to get it at one pharmacy and got my shot. Ironically, the nurse who administered the shot gave it to me in a labour room :), because that was the only one that was available.
T2 felt better, the nurse was really skilled and I didn't feel a thing (well almost), but it certainly didn't leave me with a sore backside and limping around. In fact it was so smooth that I doubted if the nurse actually injected me with the drug. I get like that sometimes, well to tell you honestly, most of the times. I am extremely paranoid. I don't believe anything till I actually see it. Anyway, let's see what changes the T-2 brings about other than a short-temper and emotional roller coaster ride.

M&M

No, no..it's not what you think. M&M here means, moods swings and menses. It's been 19 days since my first T shot and I have already started having lot of mood swings. I was expecting the effects to be more physical than they are...but as it turns out, the T has first attacked my emotions. I've become more aggresive...as my endocrinologist had predicted. That does not mean I've become a monster waiting to punch someone on the face every chance I get, or instigate violence...but I have become more intolerent to injustice. Earlier, if someone tried to fool me or pass a snide remark, I'd just get irritated and let it go. Now I stand up for myself and confront whoever it is...without considering my opponent's age, sex, height and weight. I just charge, at least verbally...and I can't seem to control my anger, it just flares...I wonder if it will get any worse than this. Because if it doesn't I may get myself in real trouble, because I'm not a big guy...5 feet 5 inches...and a little overweight....the extra pounds I believe are a result of a combination of factors such as having left lifting weights, over-eating, T and my surgery...I don't know...
And the other M has come in..it's like an inivited guest who refuses to go away...God how I hate it...I really had hoped that once the T is on, the M would go off...like a light switch...but I know it isn't realistic...it has been delayed by 4 days...during which I was convinced that it's gone for good...but no...it hasn't...I wonder when I'll be free. I was never comfortable with this ever in so many years...it's a pain and I'm somehow not equipped to handle it...
I'm looking forward to my next shot which seems days away, I'm actually counting days. I'm on a monthy cycle right now. I have to take 1 ml (250 mg power) once a month (for about 3/4 months) so that my body gets used to it. But times seems to be taking forever to pass. I feel like it has been ages since I took my first shot when it is actually only 19 days. I'm getting tempted to skip the wait...but I won't.
A quick line about my relationship. We have made amends and are not fighting....maybe as time passes we'll heal and even get as close as we were when we started out. They say time heals...let's wait and watch.