Lone ranger

So here I am on a saturday evening sitting alone at my desk. The rest of my colleagues have left for the day, came in for an hour or so and gone to begin their weekend. My weekend too has begun with fireworks.. Had this not happened, we had plan to go out and have a nice time, window shopping and ending the evening with a romantic dinner. Un-fucking-believable!

A just called me to tell me that she has cooked food, which she has kept on the platform and that she was packing her bags and going to her mom's place...forever. And that I can have what she has made if I like or just throw it and eat whatever garbage I want. Me, I don't respond, don't say anything. Just a simple ok. Because by now I've sent her several messages asking her not to cancel the plans and come over and not to go..but it she has not relented. I don't know if this is the 'final break up'. And because of my lack of response she has messaged me saying I'm shameless and I was even sounding happy that she was going (?) and she is feeling cheated and fucked for life. I don't respond. Instead I write another blog...way to go pal!
I think I'll get back to work and try and finish everything that I can...Monday is going to battle at work. I need to sharpen my weapons. I really think I'm shameless... my marriage is over and I'm just devoid of feelings. What a man!

Saturdays suck....

...big time! I don't what's with saturdays and my relationship with A. Almost every saturday is a day to dread...invariably we end up fighting. And the fight is not the playful fight or bickering that occassionally happens in every husband and wife relationship.

It is always, without fail, an earth shattering event, often started by something very frivolous (from my perspective, not A's), and blows to the proportion of being a make or break event of our relationship. She loses it completely and declares that she has taken enuf shit from me and threatens to leave me forever. There is no particular prelude or sign like a silence before the storm...it just happens...it can happen anytime, anywhere and due to anything. The only predictable thing about the big fight is that it happens on Saturdays and that it ends up in disaster — which could mean cancellation of a very important even in our lives, which we have been looking forward to, or if it has happened right after such event, it nullifies the effect turning into a nightmare.

If I think of it, there are actually some other predictable things around the fights too - they always happen when I have mounds of important tasks / deadlines at work, when I have missed lunched and breakfast / when I'm extremely unwell and / or when an emergency of equal magnitude has occured in my 'other life' meaning with my mother, father or father.
When
I'm at work and this happens, I usually end up going hungry the whole day smoking n number of cigarrattes, trying to put up a facade for the sake of those around, tyring to finish my work, trying my best to concentrate and ignore the stabbing feeling in my heart. All this in between juggling calls with A, discussing something with my colleagues, taking orders from my boss...trying to diffuse the tension either by pleading or by being stern because I really can't talk all that in front of my co-workers (I've not come out yet in office) who think I'm a tomboyish girl with no boyfriend, or simply ignoring her. I use various modes to see if I can nip it at the bud before it blooms into a full-blown disaster, sms / calls from office phone / calls from cellphone.
After a period of hyper activity comes a calm - because either I have cut her call and really can't afford to get distracted or face reprimand or because she doesn't want to talk to me any furhter.
The silence is what eats me the most. Because I don't know if she has really packed her bags and gone for good, or she is still at home, which she usually is. But I don't want to go back home and continue the verbal battle....I simply don't have any strength left.

I know it all seems like this is all her fault. Actually it's not. The problem escalates to this level because anything that I say or do to rub her the wrong way starts slowly opening the old wound I gave her when I cheated on her. It all starts coming back to her .....So I don't blame her. I know what I did was not only shameful it is the emotional equivalent of stabbing in her back. I know. I repent. I will never do anything like that again. But somehow at a very primitive level, she has ceased to trust me.

Whenever there's any woman in the picture other than her, her guards go up. I don't know...
I agree but I still selfishly wish she could just forget everything like it never happened. Got a time eraser, anybody? I could first go and erase what I did to her, then erase all the Saturdays forever...I really don't need them anymore...

Name change

No, I haven't done it yet. But I thought I'd post a quick info on the same.

STEPS FOR CHANGING YOUR NAME:
In case you wish to change your name, that also includes your father's name (!!) or even Surname you have to follow a very simple procedure.
1. Go to the State Government Press in the Capital City of your state.
2. Ask them for the form for change of name and obtain it.
3. Fill up the form and submit it (preferably then and there)
4. Pay the requisite Fees in cash. (Rs. 40/- in Maharashtra ).
5. The Press would publish the details of the change of your name (or father's name, or surname as be your case) and post you two copies of the Government Gazette. The press would also let you know when they would publish the same (generally in a week or two) 6. Thereafter wherever you wish to submit your change of Name / Father's Name / Surname Proof, you can submit true copies of the relevant pages of the Gazette.

Will write about my first hand experience when I get around to doing it myself...

For D

Pal I read all your new posts today...first and foremost it's not you who is full of shit, but the situation in which you are....but don't worry...the stink won't last long. And thanks for the word of comfot on my post on M&M...it really feels good to know there's someone with you.

And the same goes for you...as long as there is even one person who thinks good about you, nothing bad will happen to you. And here you have several people (I saw the comments to your posts) and most importantly E, and me too who wish only the best for you.

D, I am a strong believer in the power of prayer. And I will pray for you very hard...I won't pray for things to get better on their own, that would be too easy, but I'll pray that He give you the strength to take it like a man and turn things around in your favour...you won't need helicopters pal, one day you'll walk out of that room, that neighbourhood on your own, your head held high with a confident stride...towards a better future...and never having to look back.
Like you say to me...hang in there bro...! Darkness never lasts forever...

T-2: A lesson learnt

I took my second shot on Saturday (October 28). Actually I was supposed to take it after 30 days from my first shot that means October 30, but I cheated a bit...and I'm very glad I did. However, it didn't turn out to be as easy as I expected. Meaning, when you do things over and over again, they are supposed to get into a routine and things should ease out...in fact I almost didn't get my shot because I expected to start a new routine and wasn't prepared. I know I am not making any sense. But I will start to once I relate the events.
For my first shot, I came prepared with the T vial because I was scared and didn't know if I could get it anywhere else than the shop next to my endocrinologist's office (naive but it worked). Later on, I found out that the drug was a over-the-counter-one and could be purchased anywhere else with ease. Hence I thought I could get it at the hospital's pharmacy where I was supposed to get my shot.
As it turned out, the drug wasn't all that 'easily available' after all, and had to run around town searching for it. A got majorly pissed with me for assuming the contrary and not having come fully prepared. So I learnt my lesson, when there is something you want very badly to happen, something big and important, plan ahead and arrange for every small detail that goes into it well before time.
Finally I did manage to get it at one pharmacy and got my shot. Ironically, the nurse who administered the shot gave it to me in a labour room :), because that was the only one that was available.
T2 felt better, the nurse was really skilled and I didn't feel a thing (well almost), but it certainly didn't leave me with a sore backside and limping around. In fact it was so smooth that I doubted if the nurse actually injected me with the drug. I get like that sometimes, well to tell you honestly, most of the times. I am extremely paranoid. I don't believe anything till I actually see it. Anyway, let's see what changes the T-2 brings about other than a short-temper and emotional roller coaster ride.