M&M

No, no..it's not what you think. M&M here means, moods swings and menses. It's been 19 days since my first T shot and I have already started having lot of mood swings. I was expecting the effects to be more physical than they are...but as it turns out, the T has first attacked my emotions. I've become more aggresive...as my endocrinologist had predicted. That does not mean I've become a monster waiting to punch someone on the face every chance I get, or instigate violence...but I have become more intolerent to injustice. Earlier, if someone tried to fool me or pass a snide remark, I'd just get irritated and let it go. Now I stand up for myself and confront whoever it is...without considering my opponent's age, sex, height and weight. I just charge, at least verbally...and I can't seem to control my anger, it just flares...I wonder if it will get any worse than this. Because if it doesn't I may get myself in real trouble, because I'm not a big guy...5 feet 5 inches...and a little overweight....the extra pounds I believe are a result of a combination of factors such as having left lifting weights, over-eating, T and my surgery...I don't know...
And the other M has come in..it's like an inivited guest who refuses to go away...God how I hate it...I really had hoped that once the T is on, the M would go off...like a light switch...but I know it isn't realistic...it has been delayed by 4 days...during which I was convinced that it's gone for good...but no...it hasn't...I wonder when I'll be free. I was never comfortable with this ever in so many years...it's a pain and I'm somehow not equipped to handle it...
I'm looking forward to my next shot which seems days away, I'm actually counting days. I'm on a monthy cycle right now. I have to take 1 ml (250 mg power) once a month (for about 3/4 months) so that my body gets used to it. But times seems to be taking forever to pass. I feel like it has been ages since I took my first shot when it is actually only 19 days. I'm getting tempted to skip the wait...but I won't.
A quick line about my relationship. We have made amends and are not fighting....maybe as time passes we'll heal and even get as close as we were when we started out. They say time heals...let's wait and watch.

T1- the beginning or the end?

September 30, 2006 was a bitter-sweet day for me. It was pretty much like the other days actually, except that it was the day I took my first T shot. I am not quite able to describe how I exactly felt, because I felt a range of emotions. I was wired up, I was anxious, afraid, happy and sometimes plain numb...that was the exact feeling when I set my foot in the clinic.
This is perhaps because right before going there even on the way, A and me were constantly bickering...the fault was mine...I don't know why but I was acting on the edge. Growing snappy, impatient...I was feeling that A wasn't actually emotionally with me. This is because I was actually trying to project my feelings onto her. I wanted her to behave like it was some big day...but she behaved as if we were just going for a routine vitamin injection...or so I felt at that time...I think what lay ahead was equally turbulant for her...and she was masking her true feelings by pretending that this was just another chore...so we bickered, snapped, I hurt her by saying something pretty rude, which I am doing a little to often lately.
So yeah, it all went very well...a nurse in the clinic gave me the injection.
A was with me all the time...like she always is...I just wish things were not as bad between us as they are...
The injection did not hurt at all, I was asked to lie down for an hour to see if I get any side effects. But I was increasingly growing hungry, it felt like there was a pit in my stomach.
By then we both forgot about our differences and were happy, so we decided to celebrate by going out for dinner. When we got home, everything changed...I don't remember what exactly triggered it...but we ended up fighting big time...we didn't have dinner, things heated up, volumes went up, I walked out of the house, came back fought again...
Till now I had never every thought about how this day would be. Strange, but yeah really never even wondered what it would be like when I start my life-long stint with T. But this was hardly the way I wanted it to turn out...and painfully, this is all my fault.
As you sow, so you reap...I have sowed bad things in my past and I think all of them are coming back for a payback...in all this the one who is suffering the most is A...all that she did was fell in love with me...I don't know is T the beginning of a new life or the end of my existance...only time will tell