Flashback

It's been a while since I've blogged. Haven't had any time to even scratch my ass. Actually that isn't entirely true. Between work, work and more work when I did have some time, I was busy recuperating from some illness or the other —the flu or some leg injury—or trying to spend some quality time with A ...trying to recreate the magic.
It's after a long while that I've got some time alone with myself when I'm not unwell, not too busy and when no one is breathing down my neck trying to get a peek into my computer screen. yeah I'm at work but just chilling out. So in all, I'm in the perfect frame of mind to fill in the blanks...update my blog.
The month that was
In the mad rush that was the past month, I almost forgot to take my shot but A reminded me and I finally managed. I also have joined a gym but went there only for a total of 5 days out of the 20. Hopefully, I'll get more time next year and will be able to concentrate on getting in shape. Time literally zipped past me...I don't recollect much of the past few days...except that I went home only to eat and sleep and spent most of my waking hours at work. And now that my mind is clear, I realise that it's already time for the next shot, which I will take today.
The year gone by
It is also dawning on me that the year has almost come to an end and is on its last leg...What a year this has been — a mix of good and bad. But mostly good, since I have made significant progress on my transition — got the chest surgery done and started on T, turbulent times with A but managed to stick together. Somehow, despite the fierce fights between A and me, we have connected to each other on a completely different level. The year was painful for me in terms of friendships, lost a couple of friends...actually by choice because I could see through their masks and I really didn't need people who saw me and A as nothing but something to use for their own interests. However, I don't feel the loss much because of the gem of friends I have also made this year: A and D.
Friends forever
Yes, I've found a friend in A that I've never sought and got earlier. As for D...I've lots to say. We started out as friends, but somewhere, somehow...I didn't realise when...despite the oceans that separate us...he has become my confidant, brother...family. He is one other person besides A, I feel extremely connected to...I really don't know why. It's a feeling that so overwhelms me that it hurts, the feeling is so intense so pure...it's almost love. And I haven't even seen this man or even heard his voice ever in my life.
Earlier I used to feel that I felt this way because I was just looking or someone anyone to fill up that gaping hole of a true brother / a friend in my heart. But it really isn't so. Every time I read his blog, or emails my heart bleeds for him...why? I don't know. And I really don't expect the same from him. But was so happy nd moved when he considered me as part of his family too.
Baring my soul
Today as I realise that one more year of my year is about to pass, I really want to say out loud a lot of things that I have said only to myself and A. It seems to me that I am a person who keeps on wanting...more and more...I know that everyone does too. But there are some things I want so badly it really aches...these are things that may never come true...but what the heck...i still want them:
1. I want to make babies with A...
2. I want to live in USA...
3. I want to roam the world with A

I know in the position that I'm right now...these things seem like fantasies...but they are not these are my yearnings...I wanted to father a child with A since the day I set my eyes on that beauty. I'm dying....dying...dying inside...I really hope to hell science and technology make it possible. I want A to be pregnant, bear my child...I want to give her the ultimate gift of motherhood....make her a complete woman. To bring to the world that bond which will keep us together for several years...in flesh and blood. A testimony of our love....A I love you...thanks for the biggest sacrifice. I know you're dying for it too....God! Why us?
And America and roaming the world....it's almost a joke....it's been there with me since I was a child and I thought I'll forget about it as I grow up. But hasn't happened. I have never told about this to anyone not because it's some secret or because I know not probable...but because I feel if I tell it to anyone...they'll feel I'm expecting them to help me. I have a lot of friends from school who live in America, we are pretty thick pals, but never said anything to them...not even my parents because maybe they could help me finance my dream...but I don't want anyone to misunderstand me...I don't want anyone's money, ideas, favours...nothing. It is mine and only my dream...and now A's too. I have passed up opportunities to got to the UK, because America's where I want to go. I think I did mention it in passing to D, but didn't reveal much because I don't want him to misunderstand me too. I don't want this want to come in between the bond that we share...I don't want to lose D, no matter what.
I don't know who and when it will happen...but I think we'll do it. me and A. Right now it is as absurd to as the idea of going to Mars. but miracles do happen.
At last I've said it...it's out in the open, and I'm feeling light. Maybe it will really come true...Only those who dream can realise them...let's c.

Flashback

It's been a while since I've blogged. Haven't had any time to even scratch my ass. Actually that isn't entirely true. Between work, work and more work when I did have some time, I was busy recuperating from some illness or the other —the flu or some leg injury—or trying to spend some quality time with A ...trying to recreate the magic.
It's after a long while that I've got some time alone with myself when I'm not unwell, not too busy and when no one is breathing down my neck trying to get a peek into my computer screen. yeah I'm at work but just chilling out. So in all, I'm in the perfect frame of mind to fill in the blanks...update my blog.
The month that was
In the mad rush that was the past month, I almost forgot to take my shot but A reminded me and I finally managed. I also have joined a gym but went there only for a total of 5 days out of the 20. Hopefully, I'll get more time next year and will be able to concentrate on getting in shape. Time literally zipped past me...I don't recollect much of the past few days...except that I went home only to eat and sleep and spent most of my waking hours at work. And now that my mind is clear, I realise that it's already time for the next shot, which I will take today.
The year gone by
It is also dawning on me that the year has almost come to an end and is on its last leg...What a year this has been — a mix of good and bad. But mostly good, since I have made significant progress on my transition — got the chest surgery done and started on T, turbulent times with A but managed to stick together. Somehow, despite the fierce fights between A and me, we have connected to each other on a completely different level. The year was painful for me in terms of friendships, lost a couple of friends...actually by choice because I could see through their masks and I really didn't need people who saw me and A as nothing but something to use for their own interests. However, I don't feel the loss much because of the gem of friends I have also made this year: A and D.
Friends forever
Yes, I've found a friend in A that I've never sought and got earlier. As for D...I've lots to say. We started out as friends, but somewhere, somehow...I didn't realise when...despite the oceans that separate us...he has become my confidant, brother...family. He is one other person besides A, I feel extremely connected to...I really don't know why. It's a feeling that so overwhelms me that it hurts, the feeling is so intense so pure...it's almost love. And I haven't even seen this man or even heard his voice ever in my life.
Earlier I used to feel that I felt this way because I was just looking or someone anyone to fill up that gaping hole of a true brother / a friend in my heart. But it really isn't so. Every time I read his blog, or emails my heart bleeds for him...why? I don't know. And I really don't expect the same from him. But was so happy nd moved when he considered me as part of his family too.
Baring my soul
Today as I realise that one more year of my year is about to pass, I really want to say out loud a lot of things that I have said only to myself and A. It seems to me that I am a person who keeps on wanting...more and more...I know that everyone does too. But there are some things I want so badly it really aches...these are things that may never come true...but what the heck...i still want them:
1. I want to make babies with A...
2. I want to live in USA...
3. I want to roam the world with A

I know in the position that I'm right now...these things seem like fantasies...but they are not these are my yearnings...I wanted to father a child with A since the day I set my eyes on that beauty. I'm dying....dying...dying inside...I really hope to hell science and technology make it possible. I want A to be pregnant, bear my child...I want to give her the ultimate gift of motherhood....make her a complete woman. To bring to the world that bond which will keep us together for several years...in flesh and blood. A testimony of our love....A I love you...thanks for the biggest sacrifice. I know you're dying for it too....God! Why us?
And America and roaming the world....it's almost a joke....it's been there with me since I was a child and I thought I'll forget about it as I grow up. But hasn't happened. I have never told about this to anyone not because it's some secret or because I know not probable...but because I feel if I tell it to anyone...they'll feel I'm expecting them to help me. I have a lot of friends from school who live in America, we are pretty thick pals, but never said anything to them...not even my parents because maybe they could help me finance my dream...but I don't want anyone to misunderstand me...I don't want anyone's money, ideas, favours...nothing. It is mine and only my dream...and now A's too. I have passed up opportunities to got to the UK, because America's where I want to go. I think I did mention it in passing to D, but didn't reveal much because I don't want him to misunderstand me too. I don't want this want to come in between the bond that we share...I don't want to lose D, no matter what.
I don't know who and when it will happen...but I think we'll do it. me and A. Right now it is as absurd to as the idea of going to Mars. but miracles do happen.
At last I've said it...it's out in the open, and I'm feeling light. Maybe it will really come true...Only those who dream can realise them...let's c.